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‘Five Diet Cokes!’
President Trump’s tweets are already an inescapable late-night obsession. So when he bypassed Twitter and sent a message directly to people’s cellphones on Wednesday, testing a new emergency presidential alert system, the hosts couldn’t look away.
“I already get terrifying presidential alerts on my phone — they’re called the news. They come every day.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“There’s a new FEMA alert system that allowed Trump to text the whole country. It’s a historic moment, because it’s the first time Eric Trump ever got a text from his dad.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Sorry to everyone who muted the president on Twitter — I’m afraid there’s just no escape.” — JAMES CORDEN
“There were some glitches the first time around. A lot of people ended up getting this on their phones: ‘TWO BIG MACS, LARGE FRY, FISH FILLET, HURRY BACK.’” — JAMES CORDEN
Jimmy Kimmel interrupted his show multiple times with a loud alarm, as faux presidential alerts flashed across the screen. The first of them: “Someone get me five Diet Cokes.” The second: “Recycling is gay.”
Then Kimmel showed the trailer for a mock horror film, based on Trump’s stream-of-consciousness siege on Americans’ cellphones.
Colbert Addresses Former Colleague’s Behavior
Stephen Colbert said he was happy to see a CNN report revealing that Vincent Favale, a senior vice president of talent at CBS, had been accused of using homophobic and sexually explicit language in the workplace. Favale was placed on leave Wednesday.
He worked with Colbert on “The Late Show” until last year, and on Wednesday night — without mentioning Favale’s name directly — Colbert explained that some of his colleagues had complained about Favale’s behavior to the human resources department.
“We eventually convinced the network to make a change,” Colbert said. Favale was then assigned to a different role at CBS.
“I’m grateful to CNN for writing this article,” Colbert said. “This is why you want investigative journalism — is to make sure that government and companies and people are accountable for their actions.”
Jimmy Fallon and other hosts revisited a New York Times investigation that was published this week showing how generously Trump’s father had supported him throughout his career.
“The New York Times has reported that Trump got an allowance from his dad that made him a millionaire by age 8. And this is cute: By age 9, he’d already filed for his first bankruptcy.” — JIMMY FALLON
Trevor Noah said the report dealt a critical blow to Trump’s image as a swaggering, self-made billionaire.
“This is like finding out that Superman was actually born in Cleveland, and he can’t even fly — it’s just an elaborate system of pulleys.” — TREVOR NOAH
Noah was particularly taken aback by a revelation that President Trump had attempted to pressure his father into changing his will in a way that favored him over his siblings.
“O.K., I’ve heard of the apple not falling far from the tree. I’ve never heard of the apple falling off the tree and then trying to take all of the tree’s money. I’m just saying, that piece of fruit is an [expletive].” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Kavanaugh Edition)
“Republicans are planning to keep — this is true — keep the results of the F.B.I.’s investigation into Brett Kavanaugh a secret, and store them in a locked vault. Well, he sounds innocent to me!” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“Trump called the story ‘old, boring and bad’ — which is also how Stormy Daniels described the sex they had.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, on Trump’s reaction to the New York Times report about his father’s wealth
The Bits Worth Watching
James Corden did not make these restaurant employees’ jobs any easier.
If the political climate makes you miserable, maybe you’d be more comfortable discussing it while getting a deep-tissue massage on a street in the middle of Manhattan.